Chapter #8 Verse 2: Remembering Love in the Now

In days of my recent, never-ending self-reflection, I'm challenged with remembering my perfection in a world of imperfections.  The perfect paradigm is that in true reality there is no such thing. On my walk through Venice today, my small still voice whispered loudly enough for me to take note as I questioned God about my current path and my future co-creations.  Constant reminders to "be in the now" and "stay fully present" have been my angels' messages as of late but I still find myself in a mental and emotional battle with worry, fear and stress.  Knowing that all of these emotions are choices, the will power needed to break these lame habits is much more than I could have imagined. I'm loaded up with every spiritual tool you can name, my intellectual self is clear that happiness, abundance, co-creation, power etc are all things of choice but I still find myself weakened by the dark pull of worry.  Brief moments of light find its way to my consciousness.  I feel invincible and empowered knowing in my bones that I am clear and I know what I'm doing.  My self-confidence is solid and nothing can shake it. Exhale. Moments later, my mind drifts back to the past, consumed by perceived failures and wrong choices which then brings me to the present moment that now becomes only a spring board to that eery future of tomorrow that looks bleak and reminiscent of events past.  How can I break this cycle which I see so clearly but seemly have lost control?

My still small voice gently reminded me that right now I only need to go within and remember the love that I AM. Even if it's fleeting, keep going back to that place no matter how ma

ny times it takes so that love can be fanned to grow brighter than the darkness. And with each push, with each effort to remember love over fear, love will remain as a constant.  How did I forget to love myself?  Did I ever really know how?   As an empath,  I'm really just discovering how much energy, beliefs and emotions I've been running on that are not authentically my own. To my surprise what I thought was me really wasn't my true self.  Even after all these years of doing so much spiritual work, I get to this place in time to realize that my past 10 years of "undoing" was really on phase 1 of my process.  Like peeling layers of an onion, I thought that I had gotten past so many of my fears only to find that I can only pause to catch my breath because there is more work to do.  With this realization, the wisdom heard today finally made sense to me. As I am "peeling the onion" in my continuous evolution it is imperative that I love myself each step of the way and remember that I am perfect already in a world of duality that is set to make me think that I am imperfect. Mastery of self; mastering my emotions, my thoughts and my actions must be rooted in love.  Otherwise, I don't think this ride will be much fun.   I AM remembering love.

Chapter #8; Verse 1: Truly Where Hip Hop Meets Scripture, pt 1

Ms Hill - thank you.....

Where did the summer go?  As always when I have gaps in my postings I always scratch my head when I realize how fast time moves.  This is a special posting because yesterday is the day that my musical love, Ms Lauryn Hill was released from federal prison.  Today is also the day that I officially become an artist manager (again) with a new client. Two things that I would have never thought would happen...Ms Hill in prison and me taking on the responsibilities of being a manager.  The oldest cliche of "never say never" waves its  flag nice and high.

Just  few short weeks after my last post,  I decided to take training to become a Vedic Meditator. As I briefly wrote about my experience in my May post I thought I'd recap again- so good I had to write it twice. :)  This version, a bit more candid.

 Thanks to my other BFF one fateful day in May, I reluctantly went to a free "open house" to hear about learning to meditate.  After studying so many different healing modalities for so long and trying on different forms of meditation that never stuck, I had no intention that this open house would be any different.  In my normal beach-casual flyness (hoodie, jeans, sneakers), I ventured 2 blocks away from my house to find a model standing in the reception area posing as the Vedic meditation teacher. As I looked past him while extending my hand to shake his, I was looking for the old, bearded Indian guy dressed in a monk's robe and wearing mala beads.  When I finally brought my eyes back to his and he smiled gently with shiny eyes and said "Welcome, my name is Light are you here for the class?"  As I shook his hand pleasantly confused I felt a loud crashing thud in my chest.  It was so loud I was sure that the model/teacher, my BFF and the people filing in behind me heard it.  I smiled, nodded my head yes and slowly heard my BFF start to chat it up with the teacher. CONFIRMED -  the model was the teacher.  As I signed my name in the guest book I put my heart neatly back in to my chest.   I wasn't sure if it was his strikingly good looks or the light auric frequency that caught me so off guard but  I was willing to accept that it was both.  The lecture started and as the hour passed I knew that I needed to take the course.  If this was the "thing" to cure my insomnia and bring me peace,  I wanted to try it.   I had been drinking wine and popping any kind of sleep aid to make me sleep and nothing was working.  My past 4 years have been insane- as I have documented in a few of my fragmented posts here.

Rt: My offering for initiation;
Lt: My graduation meditation reminder string

I didn't take the class right then as I wanted to  but waited until his next session which was in late June.  I had just started a new corporate job and I felt I was finally on the right track with my life for the first time in a very long time.  If all of the wonderful benefits of Vedic meditation were really true,  life was about to awesome again.  I had the best looking guru around, my fabulous new job was underway and a sound night's sleep was waiting for me.   I made it through initiation in 4 days and now 100 days in, life couldn't be more different AGAIN.  That great corporate gig was done in 90 days, my friendships have shifted yet again, my sensitivities are at an all time high, my blissful nights of sleep have now given way to partial nights of sleep and I'm managing a hip hop artist.  The highs and lows in such a short amount of time surely would have made me crazy (er) but I do know that meditation has saved me.  The art of surrender letting go and going with the flow are at the forefront of my life class once again.

For more info on my teacher Light Watkins: www.beginmeditating.com 

Chapter #7:Verse 3- I Had To Fall On My Ass In Order to Stand In My Power

My last entry I had mentioned how I was on a quest to retrain my brain about running. I've been on my exercise routine going on 6 weeks now and it has been such a chore to simply go running. I whimsically wrote about some subconscious high school track story that makes me hate running.  Little did I know that today I was able to get to the core of that story.  I decided to go a different route in an effort "spice up" my run.  Just as I hit my stride about 1/2 mile in I tripped over an uneven break in the sidewalk! I stumbled cartoon-style for a couple of feet thinking that I had a small window of opportunity to catch my balance and not slam into the concrete.  I was wrong. The over animated, arms flailing, head-first dive into the pavement happened in very slow motion.  Just inches before I made contact, I turned to my right side in grand hopes that I would not smash my face and glasses.  As I laid stretched out on the sidewalk like a dead fish, all I kept thinking was "IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING??!!" To add insult to injury, there was one lone biker on this big empty side street who witnessed the entire fiasco. He graciously peddled over to see about me and his kind voice was the only thing that silenced the screaming in my head. My Beats By Dre headphones flew off and landed in some sort of street water sludge, my Iphone suffered a small scrape on the hard case but my right hand, knee, elbow and hip were scarred and bloody. I gathered myself, wiped off my headphones and decided to walk the rest of the 2 mile route I had planned to run. I refused to turn around and go home right then but for a moment I just wanted to walk to the nearest bar on Main street and drink a couple of beers.  While walking along the busy street of Abbot Kinney all I could think about was the ONE track meet that I totally ate shit when my back foot caught the tip of the hurdle I was trying to clear.  I was so embarrassed.  I slid on the gravel track like I was sliding into home base at a baseball game. Scarred, bloody and embarrassed I got off the track limping to the side lines where my daddy stood to collect and console me.

part 1 of 4 impact points; small but hurts like hell

When I got home this evening I knew I had to get to the source of this "running thing."  I sat down to meditate and with only just a few minutes in tears came streaming down my face.  I realized that I ran track to please my dad. Who knew??!!  I wasn't coordinated enough for basketball so I decided to run track to live up to some self-imposed perfect picture that I had to be some great student athlete for my father.  My dad always cheered me on for every meet, helped me train in the off-season and was my biggest cheerleader my entire track meet life.  I HATED track but never quit for fear of disappointing him.  Then I started to have a series of flashes as a young girl doing things and participating in activities because my parents wanted me to and 9 out of 10 was nothing I truly enjoyed. I loved animals, coloring and writing.  Doing any of these activities made happy.  At an early age I had a unique gift of being psychic which was very much ignored or discouraged. I found solace in animals, coloring and writing.  Piano lessons, softball, church plays and the like were all things I was signed up for half -heartedly.  I believe all they did came from a place of love with the intention of exposing me to things they did not have themselves growing up.  Somewhere along the way, I lost my own voice and I never once rebelled against or said no to anything my parents wanted me to do.  So much of my life lessons these past couple of months have been about boundaries and standing in my own power in every area of my life.  I've had very strong, boundary-setting conversations with my mother, father and sister lately as well as establishing new boundaries with friends.  In an effort to be on purpose I realized that my gifts and talents that I have to offer are only two pieces of life's puzzle.  Being clear, being honest, speaking up for myself, honoring my feelings and being integrity with my choices creates the foundation for me to share my gifts and talents.

Hip throbbing and hand still bleeding,  I am so thankful for my fall today. I would have never guessed I'd be here writing about this kind of epiphany but I'm glad to finally free myself of a very old story that no longer serves me. 

Chapter #7: Verse 2- The Art of Letting Go & Moving Forward

I just spent 45 minutes typing this entry only for it to get caught in the technology matrix and erase the entire copy when I clicked the publish button.  The art of letting go never seemed more appropriate than now as I am trying to let go of being thoroughly pissed off that my simple masterpiece just got erased.  How does one recreate genius?  I need a pop tart and DJ Jazzy Jeff's house mix. Ok here's my attempt to...

raw juicing- drink it in, it is good!

It's day #10 of my 40 day detox.  In partnership with my 2 best friends we all agreed no drinking or drugging for 30 days. Rikki initiated the initial challenge, Malcolm up'd his to 35 days and with lighting quickness the number 40 fell out of my mouth.  I recall two thoughts popping in my head simultaneously; I don't drink that much, 40 days should be "nothing" and why not 40- in the Bible major things seemed to have always happened in, within or at the end of 40 days.  The catch is not just eliminating alcohol and recreational drugs but ALL liquids that are not water or fresh juice.  Even with this rule, I was still thinking it would be easy because I'm not an over-indulger in alcohol or drugs. My day 10 confession; I love beer, I really enjoy a great red wine and my daily morning ritual of my vanilla nut coffee with pumpkin spice creamer is just a necessary tool of happiness survival.  I had no idea that my self awareness would be fine-tuned so quickly.  What the hell is going on! Do I want it simply because it's no longer a choice? The mind is deliciously awesome and evil.

Beats, sneakers & alot of sweat....

 I also must mention that I'm 5 weeks in on my fitness regime.  I made the commitment to get my ass in gear and stay on a daily exercise routine.  Many moons ago I used to run track. Somewhere in my traumatized track training I told myself that I hate running. That old story plays like a broken record even today. Just a few days ago both wisdom and maturity showed up and told me that I needed to let go of that old story and rewrite a new one. Here's the new story: "I LOVE running! I am so grateful that I am so healthy that I can run freely at anytime I choose. I'm 42 years old and I am still mistaken for years younger than I am.  I love compliments.  I want to make sure I still keep doing everything I can to keep myself healthy and fit and looking years younger than I am. Plus, I like occasionally getting carded when I buy beer, yet another compliment :). I have the beach and the Pacific ocean as my backdrop! There is nothing better than running everyday filling my body and lungs with ocean air."

"evil is necessary" - Eddie Murphy in Vampire in Brooklyn

The Universe's humor goes like this; as I was running towards the Palisades I run past the Hot Dog on a Stick stand (those damn turkey corn dogs) and this wonderful sign outside of a "watering hole."  I immediately wanted to stop, have a cold beer, some hand-cut french fries and then turn around and walk home.  I didn't succumb to my momentary weakness but I did stop long enough to take this picture and text it to Malcolm with caption, "Damn it! What day is this?"


I am growing spiritually by leaps and bounds everyday. As long as I am Earth-bound, I know that in order to keep up with my next wave of spiritual growth my body has to be ready to hold and maintain this new onslaught of energy.  Old ways of doing things, out-dated limiting mind recordings and simply all things that no longer serve me must be let go completely.  No more excuses because my higher self awaits me. I will not allow for anything less than great.  I'm glad that I finally caught up to the grander vision  (wwheeewww).  Maybe now I can move through all of this resistance a bit more effortlessly and allow myself to receive all of the great that is waiting for me.

vanilla nut coffee traded in for organic green tea

Chapter 7: Verse #1 -LOVE

LOVE: I sit at my computer this beautiful spring afternoon contemplating on what to write. LOVE popped in my head and a warm enlarging feeling expanded my heart space. As always with my writing endeavors, my entries are few and far between. Life has brought in a wave of lessons learned, house cleaning (physical and spiritual), old friends leaving, new adventures happening and finally my heart has opened to love.

Me & my 2 best friends & the loves of my life

The breaking of the old was sad for me. People that I have known since my young adult years that I considered the closest to my heart, left me with shocking disappointment and sorrow. At the exact same exact time old friends, loved ones I consider my soul mates reappeared in my life.  Love showed up and I'm so glad that I was available to receive it. Self love made its debut as well.  I finally decided to honor myself and never accept work out of desperation for money. It made for a very shitty experience and I felt undervalued and my own self respect was undermined at my own hands. I've spent the last 10 weeks in total self care and I no longer feel guilty for nurturing my own soul. Exhale. 

Magic Light Sky show

One week ago, my best friend ( the tall one) took me to an intro to meditation class. I admit I was slightly hesitant only because I - the one called MEGA - already knew how to meditate. I do it all the time; at least so I thought.  The irony of this statement really starts as I reference a personal journal entry I made earlier that day ( 5/5) asking my angels and guides to send me a new teacher, one for yoga. But also the request extended to asking for help to get my mind centered and peaceful, allowing more joy to be my everyday experience as opposed to fleeting moments as of late.  Mal and I walked two short blocks down from my place to the Shiatsu message school.  He smiled, I smiled. I shook his hand and my heart suddenly expanded and was accompanied by a wave of warmness that washed through me.  In that fraction of a moment, time felt as if it stood still "Wow he is powerful," was my first thought, once I recovered from the movie- like moment of paused time.  Let's fast forward to the gentle energy he illuminated, the flash of the dimples, beautiful inviting smile and his model shaped body. He was nothing like the robe shrouded, large bellied Vedic instructor I had preconceived on my walk to the venue.  His lecture lasted about an hour and fifteen minutes. I hung on to every word.  Needless to say, my guides answered my prayers within hours! I found my new teacher. I look forward to starting class next month.  It's exactly what I need.  Let there be Light :)

Prayers facing the Sun for my sister

Lastly, love and healing between me and my sister Lisa took place over these last 4 days. Lisa and I have been estranged for two years. Its been a very challenging and sorrow-filled journey with her almost our entire lives.  The past four years have been the most difficult and it wasn't until recently that I found my compassion and was able to see her life through her eyes. That moment started my healing process with her. Friday, May 10th she was admitted into the hospital with excruciating pain in her neck and shoulders. Things escalated over the weekend and she is now touch and go. I don't know if my sister will pull through this or not.  Silently, in meditation I was able to connect with her spirit and for the first time ever we healed our relationship.  My closeted gifts as a medium and empath came in handy since my sister is physically 3000 miles away from me. My greatest teacher on love and forgiveness is my big sister Lisa and I am so very, very grateful.

 LOVE, that's all there really is.  Ancient and modern mystics alike all have the same simple message. I choose with all my heart to BE LOVE that I was created to be.  Now let's see how this all plays out.

When You Learn, Teach...When You Get,Give

I just had the privilege of seeing a sneak preview of the video package shot on Dr. Maya Angelou for the upcoming BET Honors show. My best friend is a producer for the show and at Christmas she shared with me her extraordinary time she spent with Dr. Angelou in her home creating this segment. Rikki definetly has the art of storytelling in her blood. I felt as if I was there on location with her as she went in to exquisite detail about the crew, the beautiful home, the aura of Dr. Angelou and more. So to see the rough edit is just icing on the cake.

The segment ended with a profound statement Dr Maya said her grandmother told her; "when you learn ...teach, when you get...give"

* this was an older post that was sitting as a draft for months. Just decided to publish tonight

Chapter 6: Verse #2 - Stay Hungry....Stay Foolish

Still amazes me how much times moves so quickly and yet at times seems to stand still.  It's November 1, 2011 : 11/1/11- to some mystics considered a magical day. If this is true I sure could use some magic today.   My last post was about the most magical night I believe I've ever had.  Sadly enough, that was the last of my "big" fun. Before this turns into a brooding post on how stressed and crappy things are, I must acknowledge the things that I am grateful for.... EVERYTHING.


In September my good friend in New York saw fit to send me a one way plane ticket to come out and explore the city once again and look for work. His hospitality was unexpected and so gracious I get a little teary eyed just thinking about it now. His awesome brownstone in Harlem afforded me the comforts of being around my people and historic sites like Langston Hughes home, the infamous Mosque No. 7 and classic restaurants.  Even President Obama came to Harlem to eat at Red Rooster- which was right around the corner from where I was staying.  Armed with my computer, an overweight suitcase, $100.00 and half enthusiastic attitude I arrived in New York a couple of days before the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I didn't tell my friends or family I was coming. I did my best to stay in the moment and try to have an open heart to have some fun and drop my bag of worries at the airport.   I failed.   5 days into being there, I knew something was wrong.  I was sick.  I tried to masque it but sneaking off to the doctor in New York confirmed that I needed to get home, back to LA to address my illness. I stayed in New York for 3 weeks.  I didn't let my host know I was sick- he was so excited to have me there and spent great efforts to convince me to move back to New York.  I just didn't want to let him down or be a "downer. "  I tried my best to keep my spirits high and get through the hustle of New York City energy.   I did have fun getting to know my friend better, he's super cool and a Scorpio like me.  I did see some friends, have a few meetings, couple of job interviews but it was very hard for me to stay energetic.  Sprinkled with some great club nights; Q-tip dj'ing, Brooklyn Bowl with Questlove and all of my friends, there were a few days I felt like my old self.  I missed her.  I wish she would come back and stay longer.

October seemed to have killed me but I'm still here- on November 1st seemingly to have weathered another storm.  My body was slow to recover due to stress -mainly financial.  I've sunk into a cave and I can't be social.  My energy is so awful I can't imagine anyone wanting to be around me- especially when I don't even want to be in my own skin. Trying to heal my body and mind at the same time has proven to be challenging to say the least. But I guess I'm not different from any other human that is facing life challenges so I can't pretend that my story is somehow unique or deserves special attention.  I just watched the Stanford commencement speech given by Steve Jobs again.  It is 15 minutes of pure inspiration. I must note that Mr. Jobs just died of cancer a few weeks ago so there has been a lot of focus on his life story, genius and how he changed the world.  Even now, I'm sitting here typing this blog on my MacBook Pro with my iphone next to it.  He ended his speech quoting the final words of the editor of his favorite magazine, The Whole Earth Catalog.  That quote was, "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish."   I don't know what made me play this video clip again today but I'm so happy I did.  It was the perfect reminder for me to remember to follow my heart, don't settle for less and no matter what, do not let other people's loud voices drown out my own intuition.

I am desperately believing that I can finally leave the music business and open my cafe/bookstore.   As I sit in these meetings/interviews I'm sick to my stomach thinking how uninterested I am in doing anything related to music.  I think about how much I loved it and how I'm so proud of the work I've done over the last 15 years but now it just seems like that it was someone else's life. Not trying to sound over-dramatic but its the simplest way to describe how I feel.  Switching careers, switching lives with no financial stability is terrifying. Just this morning, before I sat down to write I sent a proposal to a major music publishing company demonstrating how qualified I am for the open position.  It felt completely counter-intuitive to what I want to do next but the pressures of financial burdens feel worse. I think they equally suck.  I know I can do the job without question but what's in my heart is something completely different. How long do you wait for dreams to come true? Or do you just stay stuck on the hamster wheel until you fall off?  Everyone should be able to do what they love.  According to all of the "greats" it is the key to living fully.  This philosophy can't be just for a select few.   I guess today I'll continue to stay foolish.