Almost one year ago I turned down the opportunity of a lifetime, as most would classify it. I received a six figure job offer to work in Hawaii being the general manager of a zip lining company. To sweeten the deal, I had a 2500 square foot house to rent from my good friends/brother & sister Dave and Liz. Their home was on a golf course in Kona. I remember sitting contemplating if this was one of God's tests to see if I could remain faithful to my vision I was creating for myself. Sitting here almost a year later I have learned that there are no tests. We create every situation in our life as an awesome gift of free will. I started today's entry from a place of discouragement because I sit here in my cozy apartment in Santa Monica not knowing how I'm going to pay rent for the month. My mind started whirling about how did I get here? What is the purpose of this creation. Regrets from not taking the job in Hawaii are pounding in my brain. For the past 2 hours I've been thinking I could be having the time of my life working in Havi'i, and driving home tonight to my fabulous house right on the water. I realize I was afraid to let go. Maybe somewhere deep within I thought if I could create this surely my heart's vision will manifest. Funny thing is when that opportunity presented itself I had no conscious recollection of creating it. I could not have scripted that effortless scenario even on my most relaxed day. I look back on it and all I can say was that it was powerfully effortless. All I had to do was say yes. In more retrospect, fear was at the core of that decision as I hate to admit it. I was fearful of making a 2 year commitment. Fearful of being lonely in paradise, looking at the dating options were slim to slimmer there. Havi and Kona, are very slow, remote, sleepy towns and I thought my chances for dating or finding a husband would be non-existent. I was also fearful of starting over AGAIN. Fearful of not liking living there and giving up my beach apartment in Santa Monica terrified me. Fearful of not having a social life, having to make new friends at the age of 39. And to boot, fearful of leaving a job that had me completely stressed out and not even being paid to do. Fearful of leaving discomfort out of some idiotic notion that my loyalty would be questioned for not staying in the sinking ship. Fear Fear and Fear. I talked myself right out of what I now see would have been a wonderful opportunity for me to quiet myself and grow. As life would have it, I had never gone zip lining before. Didn't really know what it was but when I learned it was about sliding across the jungle rooftops on a cable wire every part of me was like, "HELL NO!" As part of my interview, I went on the course accompanied by one of the owners. I did all 9 lines. The final line being some 3000 feet above the jungle floor and going about 35 mph over the most gorgeous waterfalls and trees I had ever laid my eyes on. It's amazing how I can trust the two human beings (our guides) with my LIFE on a harness and cable wire in the deep jungle but could not trust God enough for me to take a leap of faith that everything would be alright.
When I turned down the job after agonizing for a couple of weeks, I wrote some poetic email about being inspired to pursue my own dreams and wanting to stay focused on my heart's desire. While that is true, I now believe it was about #10 on the list of reasons why not to take the job. Fear, pride, ego kept me from experiencing what I think would have been the ride of my life.
As I sit here now in this moment, I must fully engage my will and that "walk-on-water" faith, silence the negative thoughts and create the reality that I say I want. I can not fail. I've sacrificed enough of me to turn back now.
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