Chemistry at Work

Chemistry at Work
with love to my friend Chem

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Chapter #7:Verse 3- I Had To Fall On My Ass In Order to Stand In My Power

My last entry I had mentioned how I was on a quest to retrain my brain about running. I've been on my exercise routine going on 6 weeks now and it has been such a chore to simply go running. I whimsically wrote about some subconscious high school track story that makes me hate running.  Little did I know that today I was able to get to the core of that story.  I decided to go a different route in an effort "spice up" my run.  Just as I hit my stride about 1/2 mile in I tripped over an uneven break in the sidewalk! I stumbled cartoon-style for a couple of feet thinking that I had a small window of opportunity to catch my balance and not slam into the concrete.  I was wrong. The over animated, arms flailing, head-first dive into the pavement happened in very slow motion.  Just inches before I made contact, I turned to my right side in grand hopes that I would not smash my face and glasses.  As I laid stretched out on the sidewalk like a dead fish, all I kept thinking was "IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING??!!" To add insult to injury, there was one lone biker on this big empty side street who witnessed the entire fiasco. He graciously peddled over to see about me and his kind voice was the only thing that silenced the screaming in my head. My Beats By Dre headphones flew off and landed in some sort of street water sludge, my Iphone suffered a small scrape on the hard case but my right hand, knee, elbow and hip were scarred and bloody. I gathered myself, wiped off my headphones and decided to walk the rest of the 2 mile route I had planned to run. I refused to turn around and go home right then but for a moment I just wanted to walk to the nearest bar on Main street and drink a couple of beers.  While walking along the busy street of Abbot Kinney all I could think about was the ONE track meet that I totally ate shit when my back foot caught the tip of the hurdle I was trying to clear.  I was so embarrassed.  I slid on the gravel track like I was sliding into home base at a baseball game. Scarred, bloody and embarrassed I got off the track limping to the side lines where my daddy stood to collect and console me.

part 1 of 4 impact points; small but hurts like hell

When I got home this evening I knew I had to get to the source of this "running thing."  I sat down to meditate and with only just a few minutes in tears came streaming down my face.  I realized that I ran track to please my dad. Who knew??!!  I wasn't coordinated enough for basketball so I decided to run track to live up to some self-imposed perfect picture that I had to be some great student athlete for my father.  My dad always cheered me on for every meet, helped me train in the off-season and was my biggest cheerleader my entire track meet life.  I HATED track but never quit for fear of disappointing him.  Then I started to have a series of flashes as a young girl doing things and participating in activities because my parents wanted me to and 9 out of 10 was nothing I truly enjoyed. I loved animals, coloring and writing.  Doing any of these activities made happy.  At an early age I had a unique gift of being psychic which was very much ignored or discouraged. I found solace in animals, coloring and writing.  Piano lessons, softball, church plays and the like were all things I was signed up for half -heartedly.  I believe all they did came from a place of love with the intention of exposing me to things they did not have themselves growing up.  Somewhere along the way, I lost my own voice and I never once rebelled against or said no to anything my parents wanted me to do.  So much of my life lessons these past couple of months have been about boundaries and standing in my own power in every area of my life.  I've had very strong, boundary-setting conversations with my mother, father and sister lately as well as establishing new boundaries with friends.  In an effort to be on purpose I realized that my gifts and talents that I have to offer are only two pieces of life's puzzle.  Being clear, being honest, speaking up for myself, honoring my feelings and being integrity with my choices creates the foundation for me to share my gifts and talents.

Hip throbbing and hand still bleeding,  I am so thankful for my fall today. I would have never guessed I'd be here writing about this kind of epiphany but I'm glad to finally free myself of a very old story that no longer serves me. 

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Chapter #7: Verse 2- The Art of Letting Go & Moving Forward

I just spent 45 minutes typing this entry only for it to get caught in the technology matrix and erase the entire copy when I clicked the publish button.  The art of letting go never seemed more appropriate than now as I am trying to let go of being thoroughly pissed off that my simple masterpiece just got erased.  How does one recreate genius?  I need a pop tart and DJ Jazzy Jeff's house mix. Ok here's my attempt to...

raw juicing- drink it in, it is good!
It's day #10 of my 40 day detox.  In partnership with my 2 best friends we all agreed no drinking or drugging for 30 days. Rikki initiated the initial challenge, Malcolm up'd his to 35 days and with lighting quickness the number 40 fell out of my mouth.  I recall two thoughts popping in my head simultaneously; I don't drink that much, 40 days should be "nothing" and why not 40- in the Bible major things seemed to have always happened in, within or at the end of 40 days.  The catch is not just eliminating alcohol and recreational drugs but ALL liquids that are not water or fresh juice.  Even with this rule, I was still thinking it would be easy because I'm not an over-indulger in alcohol or drugs. My day 10 confession; I love beer, I really enjoy a great red wine and my daily morning ritual of my vanilla nut coffee with pumpkin spice creamer is just a necessary tool of happiness survival.  I had no idea that my self awareness would be fine-tuned so quickly.  What the hell is going on! Do I want it simply because it's no longer a choice? The mind is deliciously awesome and evil.

Beats, sneakers & alot of sweat....
 I also must mention that I'm 5 weeks in on my fitness regime.  I made the commitment to get my ass in gear and stay on a daily exercise routine.  Many moons ago I used to run track. Somewhere in my traumatized track training I told myself that I hate running. That old story plays like a broken record even today. Just a few days ago both wisdom and maturity showed up and told me that I needed to let go of that old story and rewrite a new one. Here's the new story: "I LOVE running! I am so grateful that I am so healthy that I can run freely at anytime I choose. I'm 42 years old and I am still mistaken for years younger than I am.  I love compliments.  I want to make sure I still keep doing everything I can to keep myself healthy and fit and looking years younger than I am. Plus, I like occasionally getting carded when I buy beer, yet another compliment :). I have the beach and the Pacific ocean as my backdrop! There is nothing better than running everyday filling my body and lungs with ocean air."

"evil is necessary" - Eddie Murphy in Vampire in Brooklyn
The Universe's humor goes like this; as I was running towards the Palisades I run past the Hot Dog on a Stick stand (those damn turkey corn dogs) and this wonderful sign outside of a "watering hole."  I immediately wanted to stop, have a cold beer, some hand-cut french fries and then turn around and walk home.  I didn't succumb to my momentary weakness but I did stop long enough to take this picture and text it to Malcolm with caption, "Damn it! What day is this?"

I am growing spiritually by leaps and bounds everyday. As long as I am Earth-bound, I know that in order to keep up with my next wave of spiritual growth my body has to be ready to hold and maintain this new onslaught of energy.  Old ways of doing things, out-dated limiting mind recordings and simply all things that no longer serve me must be let go completely.  No more excuses because my higher self awaits me. I will not allow for anything less than great.  I'm glad that I finally caught up to the grander vision  (wwheeewww).  Maybe now I can move through all of this resistance a bit more effortlessly and allow myself to receive all of the great that is waiting for me.

vanilla nut coffee traded in for organic green tea