Chapter 6: Verse #2 - Stay Hungry....Stay Foolish

Still amazes me how much times moves so quickly and yet at times seems to stand still.  It's November 1, 2011 : 11/1/11- to some mystics considered a magical day. If this is true I sure could use some magic today.   My last post was about the most magical night I believe I've ever had.  Sadly enough, that was the last of my "big" fun. Before this turns into a brooding post on how stressed and crappy things are, I must acknowledge the things that I am grateful for.... EVERYTHING.


In September my good friend in New York saw fit to send me a one way plane ticket to come out and explore the city once again and look for work. His hospitality was unexpected and so gracious I get a little teary eyed just thinking about it now. His awesome brownstone in Harlem afforded me the comforts of being around my people and historic sites like Langston Hughes home, the infamous Mosque No. 7 and classic restaurants.  Even President Obama came to Harlem to eat at Red Rooster- which was right around the corner from where I was staying.  Armed with my computer, an overweight suitcase, $100.00 and half enthusiastic attitude I arrived in New York a couple of days before the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I didn't tell my friends or family I was coming. I did my best to stay in the moment and try to have an open heart to have some fun and drop my bag of worries at the airport.   I failed.   5 days into being there, I knew something was wrong.  I was sick.  I tried to masque it but sneaking off to the doctor in New York confirmed that I needed to get home, back to LA to address my illness. I stayed in New York for 3 weeks.  I didn't let my host know I was sick- he was so excited to have me there and spent great efforts to convince me to move back to New York.  I just didn't want to let him down or be a "downer. "  I tried my best to keep my spirits high and get through the hustle of New York City energy.   I did have fun getting to know my friend better, he's super cool and a Scorpio like me.  I did see some friends, have a few meetings, couple of job interviews but it was very hard for me to stay energetic.  Sprinkled with some great club nights; Q-tip dj'ing, Brooklyn Bowl with Questlove and all of my friends, there were a few days I felt like my old self.  I missed her.  I wish she would come back and stay longer.

October seemed to have killed me but I'm still here- on November 1st seemingly to have weathered another storm.  My body was slow to recover due to stress -mainly financial.  I've sunk into a cave and I can't be social.  My energy is so awful I can't imagine anyone wanting to be around me- especially when I don't even want to be in my own skin. Trying to heal my body and mind at the same time has proven to be challenging to say the least. But I guess I'm not different from any other human that is facing life challenges so I can't pretend that my story is somehow unique or deserves special attention.  I just watched the Stanford commencement speech given by Steve Jobs again.  It is 15 minutes of pure inspiration. I must note that Mr. Jobs just died of cancer a few weeks ago so there has been a lot of focus on his life story, genius and how he changed the world.  Even now, I'm sitting here typing this blog on my MacBook Pro with my iphone next to it.  He ended his speech quoting the final words of the editor of his favorite magazine, The Whole Earth Catalog.  That quote was, "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish."   I don't know what made me play this video clip again today but I'm so happy I did.  It was the perfect reminder for me to remember to follow my heart, don't settle for less and no matter what, do not let other people's loud voices drown out my own intuition.

I am desperately believing that I can finally leave the music business and open my cafe/bookstore.   As I sit in these meetings/interviews I'm sick to my stomach thinking how uninterested I am in doing anything related to music.  I think about how much I loved it and how I'm so proud of the work I've done over the last 15 years but now it just seems like that it was someone else's life. Not trying to sound over-dramatic but its the simplest way to describe how I feel.  Switching careers, switching lives with no financial stability is terrifying. Just this morning, before I sat down to write I sent a proposal to a major music publishing company demonstrating how qualified I am for the open position.  It felt completely counter-intuitive to what I want to do next but the pressures of financial burdens feel worse. I think they equally suck.  I know I can do the job without question but what's in my heart is something completely different. How long do you wait for dreams to come true? Or do you just stay stuck on the hamster wheel until you fall off?  Everyone should be able to do what they love.  According to all of the "greats" it is the key to living fully.  This philosophy can't be just for a select few.   I guess today I'll continue to stay foolish.