Chapter #7:Verse 3- I Had To Fall On My Ass In Order to Stand In My Power

My last entry I had mentioned how I was on a quest to retrain my brain about running. I've been on my exercise routine going on 6 weeks now and it has been such a chore to simply go running. I whimsically wrote about some subconscious high school track story that makes me hate running.  Little did I know that today I was able to get to the core of that story.  I decided to go a different route in an effort "spice up" my run.  Just as I hit my stride about 1/2 mile in I tripped over an uneven break in the sidewalk! I stumbled cartoon-style for a couple of feet thinking that I had a small window of opportunity to catch my balance and not slam into the concrete.  I was wrong. The over animated, arms flailing, head-first dive into the pavement happened in very slow motion.  Just inches before I made contact, I turned to my right side in grand hopes that I would not smash my face and glasses.  As I laid stretched out on the sidewalk like a dead fish, all I kept thinking was "IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING??!!" To add insult to injury, there was one lone biker on this big empty side street who witnessed the entire fiasco. He graciously peddled over to see about me and his kind voice was the only thing that silenced the screaming in my head. My Beats By Dre headphones flew off and landed in some sort of street water sludge, my Iphone suffered a small scrape on the hard case but my right hand, knee, elbow and hip were scarred and bloody. I gathered myself, wiped off my headphones and decided to walk the rest of the 2 mile route I had planned to run. I refused to turn around and go home right then but for a moment I just wanted to walk to the nearest bar on Main street and drink a couple of beers.  While walking along the busy street of Abbot Kinney all I could think about was the ONE track meet that I totally ate shit when my back foot caught the tip of the hurdle I was trying to clear.  I was so embarrassed.  I slid on the gravel track like I was sliding into home base at a baseball game. Scarred, bloody and embarrassed I got off the track limping to the side lines where my daddy stood to collect and console me.

part 1 of 4 impact points; small but hurts like hell

When I got home this evening I knew I had to get to the source of this "running thing."  I sat down to meditate and with only just a few minutes in tears came streaming down my face.  I realized that I ran track to please my dad. Who knew??!!  I wasn't coordinated enough for basketball so I decided to run track to live up to some self-imposed perfect picture that I had to be some great student athlete for my father.  My dad always cheered me on for every meet, helped me train in the off-season and was my biggest cheerleader my entire track meet life.  I HATED track but never quit for fear of disappointing him.  Then I started to have a series of flashes as a young girl doing things and participating in activities because my parents wanted me to and 9 out of 10 was nothing I truly enjoyed. I loved animals, coloring and writing.  Doing any of these activities made happy.  At an early age I had a unique gift of being psychic which was very much ignored or discouraged. I found solace in animals, coloring and writing.  Piano lessons, softball, church plays and the like were all things I was signed up for half -heartedly.  I believe all they did came from a place of love with the intention of exposing me to things they did not have themselves growing up.  Somewhere along the way, I lost my own voice and I never once rebelled against or said no to anything my parents wanted me to do.  So much of my life lessons these past couple of months have been about boundaries and standing in my own power in every area of my life.  I've had very strong, boundary-setting conversations with my mother, father and sister lately as well as establishing new boundaries with friends.  In an effort to be on purpose I realized that my gifts and talents that I have to offer are only two pieces of life's puzzle.  Being clear, being honest, speaking up for myself, honoring my feelings and being integrity with my choices creates the foundation for me to share my gifts and talents.

Hip throbbing and hand still bleeding,  I am so thankful for my fall today. I would have never guessed I'd be here writing about this kind of epiphany but I'm glad to finally free myself of a very old story that no longer serves me.